BREAKING: Chinese Firm Unveils Universal Transceiver—Thanks to Diversity, Aliens, and Off-Duty Prison Guards
By NN4Y, pretending not to be impressed
In what is being hailed as the greatest advancement in radio communication since Marconi misplaced his wire cutters, a relatively unknown Chinese electronics manufacturer, Tri-Wu Integrated Circuits Ltd, has announced the release of a new amateur radio that works on all bands, all modes, all frequencies, all the time.
It’s called the WU-ALL-ONE (pronounced “Woo-all-wun”), and it’s already being whispered about in certain ham circles as “the last radio you’ll ever need until reality collapses.”
🎙FEATURES INCLUDE:
- Frequency Coverage: DC to daylight. Also nighttime.
- Modes Supported: All of them. Even some that haven’t been invented yet.
- Power Output: Continuously variable from 1 nanowatt to 500 megawatts (depending on spiritual alignment).
- Power Source: A single 9-volt battery. Rechargeable. From a South African charger built from optimism and goat parts.
- Weight: Exactly 3.965 ounces (because 3.964 wasn’t stable at microwave harmonics).
- Antenna: Optional. Signal enhancement provided by ambient humidity.
🧠 THE SECRET? DIVERSITY, INCLUSION, AND VERY QUIET SPACE ALIENS
According to Tri-Wu’s translated press release (originally scribbled in chalk on the side of a loading container), the company credits its innovation to its diversity and inclusion program.
“We expanded hiring to include not only humans, but also space-faring biological intelligences, one sentient fern, and several off-shift prison guards from a detention center outside Urumqi.”
Insiders say that while most of the engineers do not technically exist in this dimension full-time, their work ethic is unmatched—especially when fueled by spicy noodles and access to legacy Yaesu schematics.
One prison guard reportedly “got the idea for cross-band multiplexed zero-point coupling” after watching a pigeon fly into a microwave tower.
🌌 SUPERNATURAL INTERFERENCE?
A Tri-Wu team leader known only as Zhang “The Tall” confessed (in very broken English) that “sometimes, young men see visions. Sometimes, older men dream dreams.”
This was allegedly inspired by a worn copy of Acts 2:17 found beneath a capacitor testing station.
Because these mystical events are strictly forbidden under the Chinese Communist Cultural Control Committee (CCCC), such moments are only discussed in secret, using heavily encrypted English—the language of both rebellion and bad karaoke.
“We do not talk about dream,” said Zhang. “Dream is code for… enhanced schematic.”
🔋 THE SOUTH AFRICAN CHARGING SYSTEM
Powering a radio like the WU-ALL-ONE takes innovation. Or, in this case, a solar-powered converter invented behind a KFC in Bloemfontein.
Designed by a former rugby player turned tinkerer named Willem “Sparky” du Groot, the Mzansi Micro-Mojo V-Charge™ uses:
- An old Land Rover alternator
- Four bags of rooibos tea
- A heat exchanger made from a disassembled vuvuzela
- And a USB cable with mysterious discoloration
When exposed to sunlight, the unit emits a gentle hum, followed by faint CW signals spelling out “Send more 9-volts.“
🗣 EARLY REVIEWS FROM UNSUSPECTING HAMS
“I keyed up on 80 meters and hit a repeater in Jupiter. I don’t mean Florida.”
—Gary, K4YES
“My wife said I was glowing. I told her I was just operating digital. She’s now moved into a Faraday cage.”
—Buzz, W7WHY
“I haven’t recharged it in 12 days, and it keeps getting lighter. Last night it hovered.”
—Dolores, VE3YOW
“When I tune the VFO fast enough, I can actually smell the future.”
—Stan, ex-WB0NOW
🔧 FIRMWARE UPDATES
All firmware is updated telepathically from a cloud server disguised as a small raincloud above Shenzhen. You’ll know your unit is updated when it begins reciting Pi to 400 digits in CW at 2:00 AM.
Bug fixes in Version 1.07 include:
- Reduced risk of involuntary time travel on 6 meters
- Improved SSB intelligibility during lunar eclipses
- Disabled the feature that caused spontaneous shortwave jazz at midnight
📦 AVAILABILITY
Each WU-ALL-ONE is shipped in a box that doesn’t exist until observed, in accordance with quantum shipping policies. The manual is nonlinear, and the warranty expires only in theoretical universes where it matters.
The price? Whatever you want it to be. Seriously. The radio is free, but requires a monthly “spiritual resonance licensing fee” payable in cryptocurrency, dried noodles, or acceptable alternate dimensions.
FINAL WORD
Is the WU-ALL-ONE real? Does it matter?
In a world where a man can run 5 watts from a kayak in Ohio and trigger a volcano sensor in Tonga, the real question is: why aren’t you operating remotely from the DMV parking lot?
Thanks to space aliens, a rugged team of multilingual felons, and a battery that may or may not involve cold fusion, the future of ham radio is here—and it’s written in English just dangerous enough to get you quietly reassigned.
So key up, tune out, and never let reality stand in the way of a great QSO.
—NN4Y
Reporting from an undisclosed shelf in a storage locker near a repeater.
